14 July 2005

An OJ Martini

I find myself awake at, oh, about 2 in the morning. I ponder, think, prove the existence of God, quickly rethink, fart once, prove the non-existence of God, and find myself totally befuddled by this inherent paradox. Farting is no grounds for an utter lack of God. If anything, what is the idea of 'God' but a lot of hot air spouting out someone's ass? Thusly, if I can fart, then God must surely exist. Really, I've shown I should be drinking and not thinking. I decide to stop attempting sleep, rouse myself, and quickly shake up a martini.

Bringing us here. I had meant to write up another chapter in my exciting 'Michigan: It's a State!' journal, but then I decided I should go to bed. And we all know how bed worked out. It led me to drink, just like Michigan. So no Michigan stories tonight, kids.

Instead, something completely different. It might be my sore throat, the fever, and the hellish warmth my room holds, but I feel like writing something a bit unusual. On my blog I tend to shy away from really opening myself up, sharing truely personal experiences, my opinions on personal matters, and feelings in general. I'm more than perfectly comfortable to rant about news, movies, lunch, photos people have taken, and amusing things. I'd not really thought about it before, but as much as this blog is about me (no other agenda) I keep my gaurd up here far more than I do in any other situation. The idea that just anybody might simply read how I feel unnerves me and I'm not sure why. I'm more than willing to talk with generally anybody about me. I like me. I like what I do. So why not tell the world at large how I feel? Beats me.

I find myself at odds with 'love.' I don't know what it means. I thought I had it down once, but it kicked a bit, the situation reversed, it got me in a half Nelson, and we've been duking it out since. I love plenty of different people. I love them all for being wonderful, wonderful people. But I've only loved a small handful. And really, I still love them of course; I don't know why past tense makes that particular statement make sense. But it does. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

Since love and I became aware of one another, the line between falling in love and simply loving a good friend have become less and less distinct. I feel that this is a common, healthy, and rather normal phenomenon. What bothers me lately is this: I've only loved one both as a good friend and as someone I just totally fell in love with one day. In regards to her, I have quite a time disentangling any sort of rough line between the two sensations. For the longest time, years even, I thought I had done it. All the emotions, all the memories, all the experiences became completely meshed. Friend and lover were one. To truely seperate one from the other would be near impossible, but I thought I had done it. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm even less sure it matters. But despite my better judgement I hope it does. Why? Because most of that paragraph was bullshit beating around the bush. Summed up, I'm a little weirded out by feelings for someone. Feelings I once had, but thought I'd never have again. Except now the feelings are different-fresh, more mature, I don't know what, but different and the same all at once. I've developed a new crush on a rather old one. It's a new feeling for me. I doubt anything will come of it, but it doesn't matter because everything has just been fun on the way to attaining this new weird feeling. But here's to hopping. To hoping. Ah, hell, to hoping while hopping!

Regardless of what it all means--that's not the point here now is it--it's a relief to spell "how I feel" out in rough terms. Don't fret; this isn't becoming one of "those" livejournals. It's just that I've not really told anyone who might read this yet, and it's a bit relieving to overcome a small fear and expose myself this way to potentially anyone. Even the one person I'm talking about, but I don't think she knows about my blog or at least not the url, so no one tell!

Well kids, the martini is gone, a couple martini glasses of OJ are gone, and it's getting close to half past two. It's time to tackle the whole existence of God thing until my head either stops or starts hurting and I fall asleep.

ears: the decemberists
eyes: legally blonde
mind: so long and thanks for all the fish
also: it's bastille day
Comments: Post a Comment << Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?